Because of Lily
by Roses-of-Silver
Summary: After kicking Harry out of his office for looking into the pensive, Severus remembers Lily. Challenge from Heroine of the Valley.


_Because Of Lily _

Summary: After kicking Harry out of his office for looking into the pensive, Severus remembers Lily. Challenge from Heroine of the Valley.

Disclaimer: I own nothing, not even the idea!!! The beginning dialogue, until Harry leaves the office, is straight from the book.

"Having Fun?"

Severus reached over and yanked Harry backwards, away from the pensive he was peering into. He had left for only a moment... and the idiot child had already managed to do the worst thing possible. Severus knew which memory Harry had seen, and fury boiled under his skin at the thought of the insolent boy witnessing his humiliation.

"So," he snarled, when Harry was free from the pensive and watching him in horror, "so, been enjoying yourself Potter?"

"N-no..." Harry stammered.

"Amusing man, your father, wasn't he?"

"I- I didn't..."

Blinded with anger, Severus shoved Harry away from him as hard as he could, watching carelessly as the boy crashed to the ground.

"You will not repeat what you saw to anybody!" He shouted.

"No, No, of course I w-" the child stammered.

"Get out, get out, I don't want to see you in this office ever again!"

When Harry had scrambled up and bolted out of the office, Severus didn't move for several long moments. He just stood there, breathing heavily, his eyes wild. Finally, he began to calm down, and he caught sight of his reflection in the window.

He looked wild, beyond reasoning or control. The last few moments flashed through his mind – shoving Harry, the shocked look on the child's face as he stared up at him from the floor. Severus cursed and spun away from the door, moving back towards the pensive. He stared blindly into the swirling mists, lost in his thoughts.

He remembered that day so well. Despite all the numerous times he'd tried to force it from his mind, it always lingered. They had called him Snivellus, not that that was anything new. He remembered walking past them, although he couldn't remember where he'd been going. At James' first shout of "all right, Snivellus?" He had spun, reaching for his wand.

James, however, had been faster, yanking out his wand and shouting, "_expelliarmus_." Severus' wand flew from his hand and Sirius laughed from behind James. Then James shouted, "_Impedimenta!" _And the next thing Severus knew, he was on the ground beside his wand. His mind had been a blur, and he tried to fight back, but then James was muttering, "_scourgify_", and his mouth was full of soap. He hadn't been able to _breathe_...

Then Lily had shown up. Even as he lay there in the grass, choking, he thought she looked magnificent. The breeze caused her her hair to fly lightly around her face, her eyes were bright with anger and indignation, and her stance screamed ferocity. She had been his only friend, his only ally, in a school where he was generally despised.

And yet, as soon as James and his buddies had stepped away, he had cursed at her. "_I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!_"

His pride had been torn to shreds, over and over. It was remarkable he had any left. But he did, and he could not stand that he'd been unable to defend himself... he had to rely on a girl... Still, Lily had forgiven him. Over and over she'd forgiven him for his anger. She'd understood.

Blinking, Severus focused again on the Pensive before him and, without another though, lowered his face into the mists.

_Lily Evans was standing before him on the first day of Hogwarts, looking excited and nervous, much like everyone else around her. Then she spotted Severus, standing in the back of the crowd, and gave a smile, dancing lightly towards him. _

"_Severus! Don't look so glum. We're at _Hogwarts_, Sev! We're going to learn _magic_! What is there to be upset about?" _

_He forced a smile, for her. "I just don't think I'm going to fit in here, Lil." _

_She rolled her eyes. "Severus, must you always be so dark? You're going to fit in fine. Besides, you'll have me." _

_She reached over and linked arms playfully. "Come on, that woman's coming back. We have to go take the mysterious 'test'..._

Severus pulled back out of the pensive. His arm tingled slightly, as if he could still feel Lily there. Concentrating once more, he leaned in, this time searching out a later memory.

_It was their last year of Hogwarts. Severus and Lily sat side by side beside the lake, their eyes riveted on the water. Lily had practically had to drag Severus out there...by this time he'd hardened his heart and mind to everything and everyone, including Lily. _

"_Severus, I wanted to tell you... It's getting serious between James and I." _

_When Severus looked at her, expressionless, she sighed. _

"_I didn't think it would last either, Sev. I don't know what I was thinking, when I finally agreed to go out with him." Her eyes filled with happiness, tinged with disbelief. "But it has lasted. It's real. Him __and me. He's different around me. Still himself, I mean, but not cruel like he is to you, and others." She smiled apologetically. "I'm sorry, Severus. I know you hate him. You have good reason to. You probably hate me now, too?" _

_He looked at her, his eyes softening somewhat for the first time in what felt like years. "No, Lil. I don't hate you. But you're wrong." _

_She frowned, confused. "Wrong?" _

"_You're wrong about James, being right for you. He's not." _

_Lily stared at him in disbelief, then shot to her feet, her eyes fierce and glittering. "What? You don't think we're right for each other? Why is that Severus? Because you think you and I are?" _

"_So what if I do?" He snarled,rising to face her. "You and _James_? He's a joke. He doesn't care about you." _

"_And you do?" _

"_Yes!" _

"_Well nice way you have of showing it, Severus! For years you've been rude and distant! I've tried to be your friend, tried to be there for you, to stand up for you. But how can I when I stand up for you when you don't stand up for yourself! I've given you everything I had to give you, and got nothing in return. I'm sorry, Severus, but I can't do this anymore." _

_She spun away from him, and started to walk away. Severus spoke quietly, harshly. _

"_You're going to regret this, Lily. You're going to regret choosing him." _

_Lily paused, but didn't look back at him when she said, "Maybe so. But I'll never wish I chose you." _

Severus yanked back, feeling the tears scalding his eyes. It was the most painful memory he had of Lily. Happier ones took its place. He only saw Lily from a distance after that, until the end of that year. After they left Hogwarts, he didn't see her again for several years. Until after the birth of her son. But they sent letters back and forth over the years. Letters that no one except themselves and Lily's husband knew of. As much as James had hated the correspondence, it seemed to mean a lot to his wife.

It had meant a lot to Severus too. By that point, he had signed up with the Death Eaters and was working as a double agent for Dumbledore. His life was dangerous, and he had come even more dark, brooding and closed off then he had been during school. But with Lily, it was different. Writing to her was the only light in his life, like a single candle in a jet black room. And one day, she had asked to see him face to face, "one last time".

With a sigh, Severus lowered his face into the pensive again.

_Severus Snape walked down the lane at Godric's Hollow, towards the house where his best friend, and the only person he had ever loved, lived with another man. His worst enemy. It was almost laughable, the way that the fates had so horribly torn away the only thing that had ever mattered to him. He could __imagine their mocking laughter... _

_He had been there at his wedding. Reading the announcement in the paper had nearly broken what little of his heart he felt he had left. But he went anyway. At first, he was prepared to bash James' face in. He was completely ready to do the cheesy, muggle-romantic-comedy scene, where he burst in at the last second and yelled, 'I object!' _

_But he had stood on that hilltop, watching the beach below where the ceremony was taking place. And he saw that she was happy. It pained him, how happy she looked. Her face was glowing, her eyes alight. Every feature of her face was so dear to him, so perfect, and it always looked best when she was smiling, as she was now... _

_Severus had started to turn away from the scene, but at that moment Lily's head had gone up, and she had looked directly into his eyes. Tears filled them, as she stared up at him, but Severus knew the tears were for him, not for her. She pitied him. Angrily, he had spun away from the hill, refusing to look back. And he hadn't seen her again. Until now. _

_He approached the house and saw Lily almost immediately. She was sitting outside on the porch of the house, holding a bundle in her arms. Her face was tilted up towards the sky, her expression clear and peaceful. When he stepped onto the first step, she opened her eyes and turned her head towards him. _

_She was even more beautiful then he remembered her. Her hair had grown darker with time, and was now a deep crimson. Her eyes shimmered with contentment, with almost perfect happiness. He had hoped, somewhat, that by now she had come to regret her marriage. As much as he hated seeing her upset, he wished that she would be miserable with James. He had even come to expect it. But now, Severus could see that he had been wrong. Just by looking at her, he knew she didn't regret her choice. And hadn't, not for a single instant. The thought should have hurt him, but it didn't. How could he feel pain at the joy of the one he loved? _

"_Severus." She smiled, lighting up her face with warmth and natural beauty. She shifted the bundle in her arms and patted the porch seat next to her, motioning for him to sit down. _

"_You wanted to see me?" He asked, amazed that he could talk, that he could even form a coherent thought. She was perfect, his Lily, and he could hardly believe that he was seeing her again. That he was close enough to reach out and touch her. _

_She smiled. "Yes. I wanted you to meet someone." Lily moved the bundle again, this time pulling back the blankets to reveal a young face and two large green eyes. A baby boy. He looked exactly like James,but Severus ignored that, focusing on the eyes that were completely Lily's. _

"_He's beautiful, Lil." _

_She beamed. "Isn't he? His name is Harry James Severus Potter." _

_Severus' eyebrow shot up. "Your husband must not be happy about that." _

"_He isn't. But he is not as jealous as he once was. He knows that I am with him, that I love him, that I would never leave him. Still, he might never tell our son about his second middle name." She smiled briefly, then added, "But it's on his birth certificate. Even if Harry grows up not knowing you're his second godfather, you'll have your name on that birth certificate, and that's more then Sirius has anyway." _

_Severus stared at her in further disbelief. "Godfather?" _

_Lily laughed at his gobsmacked expression. "Yes. Godfather. Never thought you'd have a family, did you Sev?" _

_He merely blinked and leaned forward, brushing a fine hair off the baby's forehead. He was speechless. Godfather? Him? _

_Lily's laughter faded and she grew serious, looking at him with solemn eyes. "You have to promise me, Sev. If something happens to James and I. You have to promise that you'll look out for him." _

_He raised his gaze to hers once more. "Lily, nothing is going to happen to you." _

_Lily forced a smile. "I know that. We're fine. But... just in case. Do you promise?" _

"_Of course I do..." He looked down at the baby again. "I promise Lily. I'll take care of him." _

Cursing loudly, Severus drew back from the pensive and slammed his firsts into the nearest wall, resting his forehead against the cold stone.

_I promise Lily. I'll take care of him. _

Why had he promised her such a thing? What did he know about family? About caring about other people? He'd certainly done his best to prove to Harry over the last five years that he cared nothing for him. And it had worked. Harry despised him, and was certain that the feeling was mutual. In some ways, it was. Severus couldn't stand that Harry didn't _know_, who his godfather was, that the boy looked so much like James. It was infuriating. But he did care. Hadn't he also protected Harry? It was partially thanks to him that the fool boy was still alive.

Again, the image of Harry's shocked face staring up at him from the floor flashed before his eyes. So much for protection. So much for caring. He wasn't cut out for this!!!

Slowly, Severus pulled away from the wall and looked at the pensive with wary eyes. The memories that had assailed him were soul wrenching, and he had felt more in the last hour of looking through these memories then he had since Lily's death. But that was another memory he had to see. The last one. With a sigh, he lowered his face for the last time.

_Once again, Severus was walking through Lily and James' neighborhood, this time towards the cemetery at the end of the lane. He entered the cemetery and crouched beside the grave of Lily Evans. A large stone angel rose up before her grave, and it seemed to look like her, powerful, graceful, beautiful, with its stone arms raised up towards the sky. The name 'Potter' after her name on the tombstone didn't even phase him. Lily was dead... that was all that mattered. _

_Severus pressed frozen fingers onto the surface of the grave, his eyes filled with tears. Severus couldn't remember the last time he had cried... he guessed it was when he was still an infant, and didn't know that crying, any show of emotions, was a sign of weakness. As soon as he was old enough, his father had drilled that message into his head. But this was different. He didn't care if he looked weak now. Rising, he cupped the angel's face with his hand, imagining it was Lily's cheek against his skin, cold from the winters air as his was. When he spoke, he didn't feel the slightest bit absurd for speaking to stone. It felt right. _

"_I love you Lily." He murmured, voice rough and choked with emotion. "I have always loved you. But I'm glad that you married Potter." The words stung his throat, but he meant them. "He made you happy. I don't know if I could have. And I've always wanted you to be happy, no matter what I said, or did." _

_The tears finally started to fall, and as snow drops fell and melted against the angel's face, sending trickles of water down the stone features, Severus imagined she was crying too. As silly as it was, he brushed the water away with his thumb, then leaned forward and kissed the cold lips. _

"_The only thing you ever asked of me was to take care of Harry. And I promise, I will. No matter what he thinks of me when he comes to Hogwarts, no matter what I think of him, no matter how much he reminds me of James... I'll make sure he's safe." _

_He stepped away from the angel and dropped his hands to his side. For a moment, his face was free of shields, showing all of the raw, painful emotions he felt. Then, as sanity slowly returned, the mask returned, leaving his features blank. Then he turned and walked away. When he reached the end of the road, however, he looked back. He imagined he could still see that angel, rising above the other graves and towards the heavens. _

For the last time, Severus pulled away from the pensive. He stared blankly at the wall, then covered his face with his hands, ashamed to feel tears threatening. After a few moments, Severus whispered roughly,

"I love you Lily Evans. I will always love you. And even if it costs me my life... I will protect your son."

And for the first time since that dark winter night, he wept.

A/N: Okay... that turned out cheesier then I expected it to, but hopefully it was still enjoyable!!! Thanks to Heroine of the Valley for the idea, and I hope it was what you were looking for!!


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